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(no subject)
Mar. 7th, 2012 01:26 am[Filter: Private]
... that had to have been the worst birthday I ever spent. I ... I suppose I never really know what it was like, the way girls treat one another. Who would ever have giggled behind their hands at me, when I was the only daughter of Roivas of Franel? And then I was here, with these people. Ah, there's always been Fayre and Jasmine and Maeve, and before them, there was Chiel, but ...
But this is so different from that.
Being among those people on my birthday, having them all laughing at me and pretending not to be, I ...
I don't want to be here, anymore.
And Lawrence, and Kail, and Lauren, and Keagan, and Nessa. All going on all day, telling me about how wonderful it's going to be when they finally convince Ruseia to let me go out and catch another pegasus. Don't they see? Are they ... blind? I ruined it. I wasted that chance. And Ruseia will never give me another one. She ... she despises failure. Or weakness ... and ... and I failed and was weak, both. I made a stupid mistake. It was so ... stupid.
The only person who understands I don't want to go back out is Jace. Thank the Dragons for him, ah ...
... and Sawyer, I suppose, but ...
...
[Filter: Sawyer]
... ah, I ... I think I should tell you something ...
... that had to have been the worst birthday I ever spent. I ... I suppose I never really know what it was like, the way girls treat one another. Who would ever have giggled behind their hands at me, when I was the only daughter of Roivas of Franel? And then I was here, with these people. Ah, there's always been Fayre and Jasmine and Maeve, and before them, there was Chiel, but ...
But this is so different from that.
Being among those people on my birthday, having them all laughing at me and pretending not to be, I ...
I don't want to be here, anymore.
And Lawrence, and Kail, and Lauren, and Keagan, and Nessa. All going on all day, telling me about how wonderful it's going to be when they finally convince Ruseia to let me go out and catch another pegasus. Don't they see? Are they ... blind? I ruined it. I wasted that chance. And Ruseia will never give me another one. She ... she despises failure. Or weakness ... and ... and I failed and was weak, both. I made a stupid mistake. It was so ... stupid.
The only person who understands I don't want to go back out is Jace. Thank the Dragons for him, ah ...
... and Sawyer, I suppose, but ...
...
[Filter: Sawyer]
... ah, I ... I think I should tell you something ...
(no subject)
Feb. 28th, 2012 02:29 am[Filter: Private]
... my stomach just ... just dropped into my feet when I read that. Kail's writing ... asking that question, I ... I ...
There isn't a single answer I can give him that I want to give. I either lie to him, or ... or tell him the truth ... or tell him some version of the truth, I ... it's ... Dragons, this is such a mess.
This is all ... such a mess.
... and it doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter. It is my fault, it ... it is. I ...
I ...
I'll just ... pretend I didn't see it. If he asks ... and he probably won't. He usually doesn't.
...
[Filter: Lauren]
... Mairenn says that you were looking for me. Is it about the puzzle downstairs? Did we decide on a time everyone can work on it ...? Or ... or is it something else?
... my stomach just ... just dropped into my feet when I read that. Kail's writing ... asking that question, I ... I ...
There isn't a single answer I can give him that I want to give. I either lie to him, or ... or tell him the truth ... or tell him some version of the truth, I ... it's ... Dragons, this is such a mess.
This is all ... such a mess.
... and it doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter. It is my fault, it ... it is. I ...
I ...
I'll just ... pretend I didn't see it. If he asks ... and he probably won't. He usually doesn't.
...
[Filter: Lauren]
... Mairenn says that you were looking for me. Is it about the puzzle downstairs? Did we decide on a time everyone can work on it ...? Or ... or is it something else?
(no subject)
Feb. 23rd, 2012 12:25 am[Filter: Lauren]
Ah, Lauren ... I ... I don't suppose you want to come downstrairs with me? ... I'd really like it if you would. You never know ... maybe it will accept you! And even if it doesn't ... I'd appreciate the company ...
... and ... and I think you could use the break ...I ... I hate how much time you're all spending, trying to convince Lady Ruseia of something that is never actually going to
... ah, it can't hurt, can it?
Ah, Lauren ... I ... I don't suppose you want to come downstrairs with me? ... I'd really like it if you would. You never know ... maybe it will accept you! And even if it doesn't ... I'd appreciate the company ...
... and ... and I think you could use the break ...
... ah, it can't hurt, can it?
(no subject)
Feb. 21st, 2012 01:46 am[Filter: Franelcrew]
This is -- ridiculous!
I hear you all laughing at me, I do! And -- and the two of you, in the back, I hear you making those ridiculous noises, and, and ...
I can't imagine why it put me in with all of you! Dragons, I'm not even doing anything! And you're all pulling your dirty little tricks, and, and cruel little ... and I'm not -- I clearly don't belong here. Clearly. Obviously not, it's ridiculous! This is ... this is some error, or, or ... ah, a ... a malfunction, or ...
Or something!
Well, you all can just continue working on this without me! I'm sure you'll manage far better on your next attempts without my -- without my ass to distract you!
Good evening!!!
This is -- ridiculous!
I hear you all laughing at me, I do! And -- and the two of you, in the back, I hear you making those ridiculous noises, and, and ...
I can't imagine why it put me in with all of you! Dragons, I'm not even doing anything! And you're all pulling your dirty little tricks, and, and cruel little ... and I'm not -- I clearly don't belong here. Clearly. Obviously not, it's ridiculous! This is ... this is some error, or, or ... ah, a ... a malfunction, or ...
Or something!
Well, you all can just continue working on this without me! I'm sure you'll manage far better on your next attempts without my -- without my ass to distract you!
Good evening!!!
(no subject)
Feb. 20th, 2012 01:05 am[Filter: Private]
I ... ah, I saw some of the maids whispering when I passed, today. ... I suppose it's true, what everyone says. People are talking ... ah, gossiping about me.
I wonder ... I wonder if they know Jace, from ... from servant work. Would they ... would they say the things they are, if they do? Ah, or maybe they do, and that only makes it worse? He can be ... ah, they see that, and not everything else he can be, and ...
...
I don't care.
I don't.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks ... especially not Ruseia.
[Filter: Keagan]
... ah, Uncle, I ...
Yesterday ...
I ... ah, I saw some of the maids whispering when I passed, today. ... I suppose it's true, what everyone says. People are talking ... ah, gossiping about me.
I wonder ... I wonder if they know Jace, from ... from servant work. Would they ... would they say the things they are, if they do? Ah, or maybe they do, and that only makes it worse? He can be ... ah, they see that, and not everything else he can be, and ...
...
I don't care.
I don't.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks ... especially not Ruseia.
[Filter: Keagan]
... ah, Uncle, I ...
Yesterday ...
(no subject)
Feb. 18th, 2012 01:10 am[Filter: Private]
It's ... it's not fair.
I ... I shouldn't need to be on my very ... best behaviour, doing everything the way that she thinks I should, just because ... just because ... it's -- ridiculous. It's ... I can't. I just can't. I don't care what everyone else says, I ... I don't even care that people are going to talk.
... Ruseia ...
I saw the look in her eyes. It's not -- it doesn't matter what I do ... it doesn't matter how much Lawrence and Nessa and Keagan all push her ... and it doesn't matter how much logic they give her. She doesn't want me to have my pegasus, she ... just doesn't. She'll find a reason not to let me go out again ...
Some reason ...
Any reason.
... and I -- I won't be away from Jace, just ... hoping that maybe if I do, she'll be more likely to change her mind.
I'm not throwing away what I do have ... chasing something that I never will.
... I never will.
...
[Filter: Jace]
Ah, Jace ...
Everyone ... everyone seems to be downstairs right now, don't they? Ah, or busy with something else, or ... or ...
It doesn't really seem as though anyone is watching, does it ...?
It's ... it's not fair.
I ... I shouldn't need to be on my very ... best behaviour, doing everything the way that she thinks I should, just because ... just because ... it's -- ridiculous. It's ... I can't. I just can't. I don't care what everyone else says, I ... I don't even care that people are going to talk.
... Ruseia ...
I saw the look in her eyes. It's not -- it doesn't matter what I do ... it doesn't matter how much Lawrence and Nessa and Keagan all push her ... and it doesn't matter how much logic they give her. She doesn't want me to have my pegasus, she ... just doesn't. She'll find a reason not to let me go out again ...
Some reason ...
Any reason.
... and I -- I won't be away from Jace, just ... hoping that maybe if I do, she'll be more likely to change her mind.
I'm not throwing away what I do have ... chasing something that I never will.
... I never will.
...
[Filter: Jace]
Ah, Jace ...
Everyone ... everyone seems to be downstairs right now, don't they? Ah, or busy with something else, or ... or ...
It doesn't really seem as though anyone is watching, does it ...?
(no subject)
Feb. 6th, 2012 12:00 am[Filter: Private]
Ah, but ... I need him right now ...
[Filter: Nessa]
... ah.
He ... I don't think he wants me to say anything, Nessa, but ... but Jace isn't looking very well. He ... ah, I ... I don't know what exactly is wrong, but he seems ... unresponsive, and his eyes seem ... glassy, I suppose, and there's something wrong with the colour of his skin, it's very ...
Ah, I ...
With Calaith sick, I'm just ...
Ah, but ... I need him right now ...
[Filter: Nessa]
... ah.
He ... I don't think he wants me to say anything, Nessa, but ... but Jace isn't looking very well. He ... ah, I ... I don't know what exactly is wrong, but he seems ... unresponsive, and his eyes seem ... glassy, I suppose, and there's something wrong with the colour of his skin, it's very ...
Ah, I ...
With Calaith sick, I'm just ...
(no subject)
Feb. 2nd, 2012 11:02 pm[Filter: Private]
I made ... such an idiot of myself, I ... I ...
Ah ...
... I was so ... so close. If I'd just done as I was supposed to, as I'd trained, without doing such a stupid little childish mistake, I could ... right now, I could be ...
Jace, and Lauren, and Keagan and Lawrence and Nessa and Kail ... they all think that they can fix this ... that they can ... make Ruseia change her mind and take me back out. They think that it's just a matter of ... of waiting a week ... two weeks ... even a month, for her little mood to pass. And then ... and then, I can ...
But ...
But I saw her eyes.
I did, I -- I saw the way she looked at me. She'll do anything she can to make sure I never get back on a wild pegasus again. She ... it's an insult to Eina, or ... or ... something. I don't ... I don't know why, but she doesn't want it to happen, and ... and what Ruseia doesn't want ...
...
I was so close.
I was so ... I was so close ...
And now ... now I may never ... I m [there is an inkblot, and then a long pause]
... what ...
[Filter: Jace]
... Jace?
I made ... such an idiot of myself, I ... I ...
Ah ...
... I was so ... so close. If I'd just done as I was supposed to, as I'd trained, without doing such a stupid little childish mistake, I could ... right now, I could be ...
Jace, and Lauren, and Keagan and Lawrence and Nessa and Kail ... they all think that they can fix this ... that they can ... make Ruseia change her mind and take me back out. They think that it's just a matter of ... of waiting a week ... two weeks ... even a month, for her little mood to pass. And then ... and then, I can ...
But ...
But I saw her eyes.
I did, I -- I saw the way she looked at me. She'll do anything she can to make sure I never get back on a wild pegasus again. She ... it's an insult to Eina, or ... or ... something. I don't ... I don't know why, but she doesn't want it to happen, and ... and what Ruseia doesn't want ...
...
I was so close.
I was so ... I was so close ...
And now ... now I may never ... I m [there is an inkblot, and then a long pause]
... what ...
[Filter: Jace]
... Jace?
(no subject)
Jan. 31st, 2012 03:11 am[Filter: Private]
Nynaeve ...
It's ... ah, it's perfect. She sounds perfect. I'll ... I'll be a real pegasus knight, once I do this. I'll really ... I ... ah. And I'll need someone to look up to, won't I ...? She sounds ...
She sounds like who I want to be.
[Filter: Franelcrew]
Ah, what's going on ...? What is everyone talking about, has something ...?
Nynaeve ...
It's ... ah, it's perfect. She sounds perfect. I'll ... I'll be a real pegasus knight, once I do this. I'll really ... I ... ah. And I'll need someone to look up to, won't I ...? She sounds ...
She sounds like who I want to be.
[Filter: Franelcrew]
Ah, what's going on ...? What is everyone talking about, has something ...?
(no subject)
Nov. 16th, 2011 12:30 am[Filter: Private]
... I swear that I'm not imagining it.
I ... ah, I just don't ... know what to do. I couldn't have done anything differently. I ... I didn't even ask her about Jon. I couldn't. I ... it's not my fault. How am I supposed to fix this ...?
This is so ... ah. I hate this. I don't even know what exactly I ...
[Filter: Jace]
Lauren is angry with me, and I don't -- I don't know what to do.
... I swear that I'm not imagining it.
I ... ah, I just don't ... know what to do. I couldn't have done anything differently. I ... I didn't even ask her about Jon. I couldn't. I ... it's not my fault. How am I supposed to fix this ...?
This is so ... ah. I hate this. I don't even know what exactly I ...
[Filter: Jace]
Lauren is angry with me, and I don't -- I don't know what to do.
(no subject)
Nov. 5th, 2011 05:43 am[Filter: Private]
Oh, poor Lauren. I -- I wish --
But I don't even know what she ... she could be angry at me. She could be furious at me. And ... and I still don't know what to think about her? No one has seen a glimpse of Jonathan since he came out ... not even Aileen. What did she say to him? ... no. No, I know what she said. But how did she ...
Ah ... I can't even imagine ...
[Filter: Jace]
I ... I really did want to thank you, again, Jace ...
[there is a pause]
[Filter: Jonathan]
... Jon?
Oh, poor Lauren. I -- I wish --
But I don't even know what she ... she could be angry at me. She could be furious at me. And ... and I still don't know what to think about her? No one has seen a glimpse of Jonathan since he came out ... not even Aileen. What did she say to him? ... no. No, I know what she said. But how did she ...
Ah ... I can't even imagine ...
[Filter: Jace]
I ... I really did want to thank you, again, Jace ...
[there is a pause]
[Filter: Jonathan]
... Jon?
(no subject)
Oct. 29th, 2011 08:03 pm[Filter: Private]
... I suppose ..
I suppose it's true, what he said, that time. Ah, I ... I was just so ... offended. How dare he compare ... that to ... to me and Jace, or ... or anything that's ... and how dare he judge me, or, or ...
Ah, but ...
... I don't know, I -- I don't know. It's so ... it's just ...
And I don't have the time to be worrying about this, not now, I ... I still feel like I'm so far away from Jonathan, and ... and I can't -- I can't. I can't. I won't. Aileen doesn't even seem ... invested in Jonathan, anymore. If I ... if I have to get him out alone, how do I possibly think I have the time or the energy to just keep thinking about Gebann and his ... his ... illness.If it's even
It'll just ... have to wait. And I need to ... focus. Focus on Jon, on ... on helping him, on getting him out so that we can just ... just move on and put this all behind us ... just ... move on ...
I ... I'm so tired ...
And And I
Oh, Dragons, I don't want to. I don't want to. Why do I ... why should I ... I can't ...
[Filter: Franelcrew]
I --
I ... ah, I think that I might quickly go and just ... get a little bit of fresh air, and ... clear my head, a little bit ... before I continue. Is ... does anyone else want to try helping Jonathan ...? Anyone ... anyone at all ...?
I ... I'll really just ... need a moment, I ... I'm ...
... I suppose ..
I suppose it's true, what he said, that time. Ah, I ... I was just so ... offended. How dare he compare ... that to ... to me and Jace, or ... or anything that's ... and how dare he judge me, or, or ...
Ah, but ...
... I don't know, I -- I don't know. It's so ... it's just ...
And I don't have the time to be worrying about this, not now, I ... I still feel like I'm so far away from Jonathan, and ... and I can't -- I can't. I can't. I won't. Aileen doesn't even seem ... invested in Jonathan, anymore. If I ... if I have to get him out alone, how do I possibly think I have the time or the energy to just keep thinking about Gebann and his ... his ... illness.
It'll just ... have to wait. And I need to ... focus. Focus on Jon, on ... on helping him, on getting him out so that we can just ... just move on and put this all behind us ... just ... move on ...
I ... I'm so tired ...
Oh, Dragons, I don't want to. I don't want to. Why do I ... why should I ... I can't ...
[Filter: Franelcrew]
I --
I ... ah, I think that I might quickly go and just ... get a little bit of fresh air, and ... clear my head, a little bit ... before I continue. Is ... does anyone else want to try helping Jonathan ...? Anyone ... anyone at all ...?
I ... I'll really just ... need a moment, I ... I'm ...
(no subject)
Oct. 26th, 2011 12:03 pm[Filter: Aileen]
... I just don't understand. It's like ... it's like he doesn't know me ... he doesn't want to know me. No matter ... no matter how hard I try and ... and talk to him about things that we've shared, how we ... how we've connected, he just ...
He always just smiles ... ah, and shakes his head, and excuses himself.
And the other people there ... Dragons, they all watch me ... they don't want me there ... they stare and I can feel them hating me. Their eyes ...
And And I just wish we could...
It seems awful, trying to so hard to pull him away from something so ... so happy ...
... I just don't understand. It's like ... it's like he doesn't know me ... he doesn't want to know me. No matter ... no matter how hard I try and ... and talk to him about things that we've shared, how we ... how we've connected, he just ...
He always just smiles ... ah, and shakes his head, and excuses himself.
And the other people there ... Dragons, they all watch me ... they don't want me there ... they stare and I can feel them hating me. Their eyes ...
It seems awful, trying to so hard to pull him away from something so ... so happy ...
(no subject)
Oct. 22nd, 2011 04:09 am[Filter: Franelcrew]
Ah ... well.
I suppose that's some more information for you, Uncle ... if nothing else.
I ... ah, we shouldn't attempt to move her, or touch her. She fell over like she did the moment she touched Sir Elden, and so I ... suppose it's contagious, so to speak ... we'll need to be careful to avoid them altogether ...
... Dragons. How are we ever going to ... what if ...?
And ... and how did she even find out they were here?
Ah ... well.
I suppose that's some more information for you, Uncle ... if nothing else.
I ... ah, we shouldn't attempt to move her, or touch her. She fell over like she did the moment she touched Sir Elden, and so I ... suppose it's contagious, so to speak ... we'll need to be careful to avoid them altogether ...
... Dragons. How are we ever going to ... what if ...?
And ... and how did she even find out they were here?
(no subject)
Oct. 19th, 2011 02:05 am[Filter: Private]
If he thinks I am simply -- simply going to sit here, just sit here and watch this happen, oh, Dragons believe me, he has another thing coming! Overreacting? Fine, then! I'll show him overreacting.
[Filter: Lauren]
Lauren. We ... we need to talk.
If he thinks I am simply -- simply going to sit here, just sit here and watch this happen, oh, Dragons believe me, he has another thing coming! Overreacting? Fine, then! I'll show him overreacting.
[Filter: Lauren]
Lauren. We ... we need to talk.
